Day 4: Litany of Loss: Part I

Loss…. what does loss mean to me, wasted opportunities and missed chances. I have had a few brushes with this loss. Before delving into those experiences, i want to focus on one loss that is more of anticipation than an actual loss.

Generally, i feel, words are the weakest medium of expression. But where words are the only way of communicating, traversing time and distance, they become quite the powerful tool.

What scares me is the loss of words. From the very beginning, i have loved to scribble in my diaries. At one point it had become quite toxic. My diary entries were full of self recrimination and loathing. I was unable to prove myself in my own eyes. And that was the biggest problem.

When you keep putting yourself down, everything you believe in, or you are good at, will start gradually lessening.

Well, we were talking about loss of words. This one is one of the most frustrating losses i have to face. I am angry, sad and confused at the same time. I wouldn’t want to go back into the time where i was unable to pen down what i felt.

My writing has been my solace for years. I am ashamed to say i have abused this skill of mine to a great extent. Any quality in a person is like a sapling, if it is not watered and tended to properly, the sapling dies before it becomes a plant. This abuse cost me when words started leaving my side.

There have been times in my life, when i have faced utter darkness. I used to sit with my head in my hands, struggling to formulate a single word. I thank god for getting me over of that phase.

As a person who values her words a lot, i have realised, that i need to be thankful for this quality of mine. It is helping me grow and flourish.  I realised that I was losing my power to think, to formulate ideas, and most of all i was losing my power to express my thoughts, a quality for which I took pride in myself. I wanted to regain it.

Magic happens in an instant, life happens in a moment. Believe when people say that. Like Barney, i decided one morning, i wanted to stop being sad and start being awesome. The moment my belief in me returned, my words did too. Change is an ongoing process. I wouldn’t say that negativity still doesn’t plague me, but it does so in small measures and i am sure this will lessen with time.

Along with the anticipated loss of words, there is another loss i need to talk about. This loss fills me with happiness as it means that there is more place in my life to accommodate things that matter to me.

I have lost my negativity and i feel free. I have been in a situation where i was a prisoner of my own mind..  and now it feel s that everything is within reach.

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Day 3: Harmonious Notes

Honestly, today’s topic had me flummoxed.

The topic does not ask you to write about the three songs that you like most, what it does instead, is ask you the 3 most important songs of your life and their meaning. How do you decide which song is important and which is not. Let me try.

The first song that flashed through my mind was Let your heart hold fast, for this too shall pass by Fort Atlantic. A beautiful song, with even more beautiful message. (to listen to the song click here.) not only is this song my favourite, it is also very important.

It has been my belief, that nothing is permanent in this world. Change is the only constant in life. Every time i have been bogged down or felt as if my life has almost its lowest point, this phrase has given me strength like no other. It has helped me go through a lot of difficult phases. Like King Solomon[i] , i too go through life with the words “This too will pass” etched on my mind. I believe in the impermanence of everything, life, body, soul, actions, thoughts and most of all materialistic pleasures.

The second song that i think is the most important song is by: Humne Dekhi hai un aankhon ki mehakti khushboo, hath se choooke ise rishtey ka ilzam na do…. sirf pyaar hai ye rooh se mahsoos karo, pyar ko pyar hi rehne do koi naam na do……

(movie Khamoshi, Composed by Hemant Kumar, Penned by Gulzar and renedition by Lata Mangeshkar. You can listen to it here)

The song means that love is just love and cannot be expressed any other way. When we try and define it, or we try or we try to name it, we are limiting it and constricting it. Love is not a set of words but instead it is silence which hears and then speaks in its own language…..

I first heard this song when i was very young, hardly 10-11. On the threshold of my teenage years, and it left a great impact. I do not believe in romantic love. It happens, its beautiful, but its not just that. For me, still, love is all encompassing. It cannot be compartmentalised or defined. Everyone has their own way of understanding and expressing love. This post is not intended for this discussion, but i will soon write a separate entry discussing why i feel that love has been objectified in today’s world.

The third most important song i guess would be Happy by Pharrell Williams. Why? Because it makes me happy, instantly. J I guess, that is a good enough reason than any other!!

There so many other songs i want to list out, the list is endless. But i guess, i will have to limit myself for now….

This is the list as of today…… who knows, soon this too may pass… 😛

[i] http://www.theemotionmachine.com/this-too-shall-pass-a-lesson-in-impermanence

Perceptions

I love surprises. small ones, big ones. they just make my day.

When I was younger I used  create these surprises for myself. I would never ask my mother what she had packed for lunch in school. the moment when I opened my lunch box was my own, filled with anticipation and excitement. My own daily dosage of surprise. The sheer joy that such a small action could give is unparalleled to many big things in my life. Those were some pure unadulterated moments of being happy. I still do it…. I save the best for last and am feel happy to “open”or “reveal” my surprises at the end.

I have noticed as children we used to simplify things, if the opportunities were not there we would create them, not whine about them. if surprise were not possible everyday, make your own surprise. We were not dependent on anyone for our happiness…………. As we grow up we forget to create such opportunities of happiness for ourselves,we forget that it is better to simplify things and be happy about them rather than being in your own complex mind web and depending on others to remain happy.

We spend our whole life in the fear of perceptions. We are busy in trying to project ourselves as someone we think we are. Most of our life is spent proving the same to ourselves and others around us. Sometimes I feel that I am not the person I think I am or the people around me see as “me”. Now at this juncture, when I am not too old and not too young, not too naive and yet not too wise, I would first like to stop for a minute and try to figure out who really I am.  Is the person I think I am, only in my head? I guess, parts of me only exists in my head. And this is true for most of us.

Also, perception of an individual also varies from person to person. for some I may be a very sincere, honest and trustworthy person; and someone else may find me the biggest snob around them. It all really is in our head.

Have we forget who we are and what we really want from our life.