Day 4: Litany of Loss: Part I

Loss…. what does loss mean to me, wasted opportunities and missed chances. I have had a few brushes with this loss. Before delving into those experiences, i want to focus on one loss that is more of anticipation than an actual loss.

Generally, i feel, words are the weakest medium of expression. But where words are the only way of communicating, traversing time and distance, they become quite the powerful tool.

What scares me is the loss of words. From the very beginning, i have loved to scribble in my diaries. At one point it had become quite toxic. My diary entries were full of self recrimination and loathing. I was unable to prove myself in my own eyes. And that was the biggest problem.

When you keep putting yourself down, everything you believe in, or you are good at, will start gradually lessening.

Well, we were talking about loss of words. This one is one of the most frustrating losses i have to face. I am angry, sad and confused at the same time. I wouldn’t want to go back into the time where i was unable to pen down what i felt.

My writing has been my solace for years. I am ashamed to say i have abused this skill of mine to a great extent. Any quality in a person is like a sapling, if it is not watered and tended to properly, the sapling dies before it becomes a plant. This abuse cost me when words started leaving my side.

There have been times in my life, when i have faced utter darkness. I used to sit with my head in my hands, struggling to formulate a single word. I thank god for getting me over of that phase.

As a person who values her words a lot, i have realised, that i need to be thankful for this quality of mine. It is helping me grow and flourish.  I realised that I was losing my power to think, to formulate ideas, and most of all i was losing my power to express my thoughts, a quality for which I took pride in myself. I wanted to regain it.

Magic happens in an instant, life happens in a moment. Believe when people say that. Like Barney, i decided one morning, i wanted to stop being sad and start being awesome. The moment my belief in me returned, my words did too. Change is an ongoing process. I wouldn’t say that negativity still doesn’t plague me, but it does so in small measures and i am sure this will lessen with time.

Along with the anticipated loss of words, there is another loss i need to talk about. This loss fills me with happiness as it means that there is more place in my life to accommodate things that matter to me.

I have lost my negativity and i feel free. I have been in a situation where i was a prisoner of my own mind..  and now it feel s that everything is within reach.

Day 6: Girl on the street

We gaze into computers and mobiles the whole day, when do you get the time to see any one, let alone see any one interesting.

I am look back at the past year and think back as to who was it, whom i can term to be positively interesting, one who has left an impact on my mind, even if it was miniscule… okay, i am not sure about the impact part, but interesting, most definitely.

One such instance would be a random meeting.

I had stepped out to visit my friend living at the other end of the city. On my way to subway trains, i took a taxi. It was a hot day and humid day and abrupt rains and scare of a high tide had people scrambling to get back home. Transport was scarce.

It was here when i noticed her. This lady was standing on the edge of the road trying to stop any form of public transport. She was well dressed and looked like she had stepped out of a nearby office. I was looking at her quite intently, and in the same moment she turned her head and we saw each other.

My taxi stopped at the red light and she came running to my taxi and said, “Can you please drop me to the nearest train station or taxi stand. It does not look like i will get a taxi here.”

As a girl growing up in India, i had always been told to be a little cautious of strangers. However, setting my prudence aside, i asked her to step in. She gratefully got in the taxi and closed the door.

She told me that she had been standing for quite some time. Upon asking, she told me she was an interior designer. She had started her own business when she turned 25.

This woman was in her early thirty’s. We were almost the same age. But she look more “put together” even after a random rain and running around than me, who was hassled because of the simple traffic jam.

What struck me was her simple, unarmed smile and a confidence to match. There are some people, who when you meet, exude positivity around them. She was one of those. Her calm gentle demeanour and her equally soft behaviour were an added quality.

We got talking and exchanged names. Not only was she professionally qualified, i found her to be knowledgeable as well. It has been my observation that in the world of internet and instant knowledge, people tend to veer towards pseudo intellectualism. If there is one thing that annoys me to that extent, it is this fake behaviour.

But this lady was genuinely well read. Readers like me would understand how difficult it is to find a likeminded book lover with whom you can have actual conversations on various topics. She was logical and clear in her mind. She was smart, genuine, funny and kind.

It was a short taxi ride and seemed to be even shorter as we were having a stimulating conversation. If we would have met in some familiar settings like a college, workplace etc, we would have been friends.

Day 1: Freedom, Choice and Life

A lot of people have told me that life is full of choices. Is it really, or is it a combination of a lot of other things, luck, fate, spouse, children, parents, responsibilities, liabilities, duties and innate desire. Is anyone free, really?

I don’t think there is an easy answer to this question. We all perceive things as per our experiences. We all have baggage and our vision gets coloured while viewing any situation by those very baggage. If we look closely we will find we generally make repetitive choices. Man is a creature of habit and choices also become a matter of habit. To break out of that mould is a challenge.

Freedom is more of a mental state i guess. If you are bound by your own thought process your own prejudices, and your own limitations you will never be free. One cannot imprison a free mind for very long, sooner or later it will break out of the shackles that are outwardly imposed. The challenge is with the boundaries created by one’s own self. Where we try and limit ourselves we will never be free to make choices, we will never be really free to speak our mind.

It is when we are at crossroads in our life, where the choice we make becomes so important. It has been my personal experience that it is better to just go with the flow. Because however much you fight, and try and impose your choices on life, life will fight back and impose its will on you. So again freedom is just a state of mind and it’s better to feel free and live life, than be cowed down by the pressure of making huge decisions for ourselves.

Sounds like a mad woman rambling, but then this exercise is also a challenge, a challenge to not be afraid of expressing who i am